What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 03:25
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And i lived it daily.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was 9 years of age.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
What does it mean if someone asks if it’s pink?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
When she asked me how she looked .
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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I have no regrets .
One cannot live in the past .
Why did i forgive my father ?
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She loved him until the end.
I was scared of men, in general
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I think the readers, may guess!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So, i spoilt her more .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She was in good health!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But, we were locked up after school.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Was to survive, this bastard.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I will be 64.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im still living with it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Especially a lifetime of it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Who then, do I blame.?
My life is so biszare .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was seconnd youngest,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She married twice! .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But it wasn’t much.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We were not on the streets..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She wouldn,t have been !
Comes on , in middle age.
Would this be the day?
I could never make a relationship work though!
This is soul school!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I write beautiful poetry .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So whats the point in blame.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She found it foreign!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
It was going to be , some day.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But ive been too sick for many years..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was very sick at this time too.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I said to her
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I waited trembling.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I don,t even have a pension.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Put me off passion for life!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Ive learnt so much.
My family never makes their pension either.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He knew the spot.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We all went to grammer schools
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
What did i know ?